To the MAX!
by Ananasi
Summary: Needed to write fanfiction on a whim...it's funny. I promise. Read it...YEAH. UPDATED
1. Intro: Naked Seto, Man!

Seto woke up one morning in may. He stood up out of bed and smoothed out the front of his blue. . .wait. . .no. . .he's naked. Okay. Seto woke up and stood up out of bed. He looked down, and seeing his full glory, he quickly put some clothes on.  
  
Wait. . .no. . .what is he doing? Just standing there unclothed and smiling. Okay. So he stood up out of bed and looked down, seeing his full glory, he smiled silently. His eyes snapped up and traced the corners of his room as he smacked his lips.  
  
"Seto need food." And he grunted.  
  
Still. . .in full glory. . .he took one step after another on a cold, marble, hallway floor. A full head of knotty black hair was swinging its legs over a tall barstool. It sniffled and sucked a glob of soggy cereal from a giant wooden mixing spoon.  
  
"Brother Seto." And it grunted.  
  
The nude Seto blinked in reply as he began to suckle salt from the glass shaker. He coughed and went to the fridge. It smoothly opened after he tugged at the handle persistently for a few seconds.  
  
"Ah. Fridge cold." And before grunting again, he reached for an oven mitt and covered a quickly shrinking little Seto. A bottle of cheap champagne was found, open and drunk from in a matter of moments. Another matter of moments later, he was quite a bit more awake, and clothed, and eating a normal breakfast.  
  
No. . .wait. . .sorry, still naked.  
  
"You'll dress before school?" The knotty black mass asked. Seto chewed on a particularly rubbery egg.  
  
And he grunted.  
  
"You cant do it again. It's too predictable. You did it last Thursday."  
  
"Did not"  
  
"They sent you home. You wouldn't stop 'raising your hand', remember?"  
  
Seto turned his head quickly at the knotty black mass and grinned with all kinds of breakfast food sticking out of his cheeks.  
  
"Fine. Ugly blue suit then." He looked down. "I like this suit better. More natural. Natural all the rage."  
  
Finally with the ugly blue suit completely covering the more natural suit, Seto shaped up and walked out his front door. He fell down the few steps in front of the door, decided that he wasn't going to take that from concrete, and tried again.  
  
He arrived at school three hours later, very bruised. 


	2. Man!

"I wish I was queer."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"So I could get chicks."  
  
"Oh. Scared me for a second there, man." Jounouchi said, as he started biting his nails. Honda stared.  
  
"You okay, man? You don't usually gnaw yourself."  
  
Jounouchi's eyes filled with tears, and everything around him went dark blue. His fists clenched as they began to sh-  
  
Wait. . .no. . .sorry.  
  
"Yeah I do. You're just so stupid you never noticed."  
  
"I am SO!" Honda shouted. Jounouchi grunted with laughter. Honda didn't understand why, so he just went on to elaborate his queer plan.  
  
Soon they were at their three-story school. It had a giant column running down the middle, which had a clock at the top. Every floor was equipped with large windows. (See any anime)  
  
"Hey man, check Seto out."  
  
"Fantastic idea, man. That's the perfect way to seem gay. Fawn over the sexy rich brunette."  
  
"No man-he's all bru-you think Seto's sexy?" Jou's head snapped right.  
  
"Well even you gotta admit!. . ." Honda grunted, "No man, that's gay."  
  
Jou snickered, but got serious again.  
  
"I wonder what's up with all of Seto's bruises. Hey man. . .do you think he's being abused?" Jou started to cry, "Because man, if he is. . .I feel his pain! Oh woe is me. . .my father's always drunk, and then. . .then he hits me. . .pashu, pashu. . ." Giant blue tears flew from his eyes.  
  
"Man. At least you don't have it as bad as Ryou. Look at him. Poor guy was probably raped by his Yami again last night. He's rubbin' his fine ass. . ."  
  
Jou stopped crying, "His what ass?"  
  
"His. . .fine ass. No! Wait! Damnit!"  
  
Jou stepped a pace to the left. Just for safety. What was happening with Seto? He thought, maybe if I confront him about it, he'll cry on my shoulder and then. . . and then we'll become lovers! But what about Honda? And what about what society thinks of gays, man? And what about my gay- hating drunk father who will never understand that we love each other? Oh woe is me! Pashu! Pashu! My life is so full of angst!  
  
And he toddled off and wrote some dark poetry about how life is full of crawling and ambiguity and angels dying.  
  
Just kidding.  
  
"Forget Seto, man. He can deal with his own stuff." Jou puffed out his strong gorilla chest. "Man that Anzu looks hot today. Yeah! I'm talkin' about you, sweet thang!"  
  
Honda grunted. 


	3. Holy shit, man!

Honda was scanning the pictures in a GQ magazine he had stolen from his hair stylist. A single, weeny drop of drool fell from the corner of his mouth and splashed in an erotic display of beautiful colors upon his desk.  
  
"Bou bum bum bum, bum la bum bum bum." Seto sang. He didn't even seem to notice all his bruises.  
  
"Oh man, Honda. I think I'm. . .worried. . .about Seto. What If he really is getting beat up? Maybe he'd like to take all his bottle up anger out on me, and I could be like, his love slave?"  
  
Wait.let me start that again.  
  
"NO TALKING IN CLASS, MAN!" Honda shouted back at him.  
  
Later, Honda and Jou were clapping erasers for talking in class. Jou wouldn't shut up about how worried and sympathetic he was. Honda wouldn't shut up about Charlie Sheen, and how good he looks in darks (navy blue, black and deep forest green especially)  
  
"I'm gonna go check this out, man. I'm totally worried he might be gettin' abused. Maybe by a drunken father, like me. . . oh man. I totally don't want anyone else to go through that, you know. It's bad shit, man. . . But if he is. . ."  
  
"Then he'll have your shoulder to cry on and your strong, gorilla-like chest to protect him from his drunkard of a father."  
  
"No man, that's fuckin' gay. You know I aint like that."  
  
"Then what about that whole 'love slave' thing, man? What about that?"  
  
"What the hell man. Can't I say a fucking thing without you putting it to memory?"  
  
Honda laughed weakly and stupidly. "What the fuck are we talking about, man?"  
  
Wait. Let me start over.  
  
Honda was NOT scanning the pictures in a GQ magazine he had stolen from his hair stylist. A single, weeny drop of drool DID NOT fall from the corner of his mouth and DID NOT splash in an erotic display of beautiful colors upon his desk.  
  
"Hey Honda, look at that bruise on Seto's cheek."  
  
"What, man? You worried about that whole 'abuse' thing again?"  
  
"What? No. I just think it looks like Argentina. Only smaller. And bruise- colored."  
  
"What's Argentina?"  
  
"I think it's an ocean, man."  
  
"Yeah. I think you're ri-HOLY SHIT MAN, THE BUSH IS MOVING!"  
  
Yugi turned around as his enormous hair wiggled. His voice was definitely the type you'd hear Ben Affleck's inner child speaking in. It had a milky squeak to it.  
  
"Hey Jou-chan! Arent you worried about Seto-chan? He looks hurt! I think we should ask him about it! It helps to have fri-"  
  
"HOLY SHIT MAN, THE BUSH IS TALKING!" Honda Raised a history book above his head, "It said you're his chan, man. What the hell does it mean by chan, man?"  
  
NO. The teacher did NOT notice.  
  
"Jou-chan! Seto needs friends!"  
  
Jou leaned forward, "But what about you? Have you thought about Yugi, lately? What about your issues? Have you seen your parents lately? Or for that matter, have you seen the top shelf of your pantry. . .ever?"  
  
"Jou-chan! You hurt my feelings! I'm not going to forgive you until the end of the episode!"  
  
"Frick you, man. We're not even in an episode."  
  
"NOOOOOO!" Honda panicked. 


	4. Did you hear that, man?

"Hey man, who's the girl talkin' to Ryou?"  
  
"Probably another American girl with a wistful name who shares in his pain and wants to help him escape from the torture of his Yami." Jou said.  
  
"That's what, six now? Shit, man. . ."  
  
"Still not as much American ass as that Draco kid from Harry Potter gets."  
  
"That boy be pimpin'" Honda made some obscene gestures.  
  
The school exploded.  
  
"HOLY SHIT MAN, THE SCHOOL EXPLODED."  
  
"Did it, now?" Jou turned around. He and Honda had been outside with their lunches. Honda had a sandwich with mustard oozing out the sides, and Jou was sucking hairspray out of an aerosol. (It's an acquired taste)  
  
Honda took a bite of his sandwich and his attention was immediately distracted from the blazing school. He hissed an "Aw, man," and looked angrily at his sandwich, as if it had wronged him.  
  
"You forgot the turkey again, didn't you." Jou looked at him. Neither of the boys particularly cared about the ignited people running from the exploded school.  
  
"Yeah. . ." And he went on eating it.  
  
Well it's food, isn't it?  
  
"So uh. . .why do you think the school exploded?"  
  
"Probably some ancient Egyptian crappola. "  
  
A screaming Seto ran past them, and didn't stop until his forehead had a painful encounter with a handicapped parking sign.  
  
"HELP ME! OH GOD, HELP ME!!! IM ON FIRE! HELP ME JESUS!! SAVE ME!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" He clawed at his ugly blue suit and writhed around on the concrete.  
  
Please take note that I never said he was on fire.  
  
This went on for a good ten minutes.  
  
What? NO. NO FIRE TRUCKS CAME. SHUT THE HELL UP.  
  
Jou, finally finished with the hairspray, stood up and walked over to Seto, pushing his way through a horde of yelling, running, burning people.  
  
BECAUSE THEY DON'T TEACH THE STOP, DROP AND ROLL TECHNIQUE IN JAPAN. SHUT THE HELL UP.  
  
Seto had successfully clawed his way down to his natural suit, and not wanting to damage it, he stopped clawing at himself.  
  
"JEEEEEEEESUS! FIIIRE!!! JEEEEEEEEEESUS!!! " Seto squealed.  
  
Jou, unable to find a good bucket of water to put him out, hocked a good size blob of slobber on his chest.  
  
Jou had also failed to realize that Seto was not, in fact, on fire.  
  
After the spit came in contact with Seto's left nipple, he immediately stopped squirming.  
  
He did pass out, though. 


	5. Getting wet and repetetetive, man

Seto opened his eyes.  
  
He was wet: very, very wet. Not only was he wet, but also surrounded completely by water. Murky, nasty water contained by a dirty, cracked, porcelain tub.  
  
The bathroom he was in presented peeling, brown and orange flowered wallpaper, and brown tile. No telling whether or not that was the original color. There were old band-aids hanging from the walls and the toilet had water stains decorating the outside of the bowl.  
  
"Cozy," He bubbled, and ducked his head under the water in an attempt to drown himself.  
  
"Seto, Seto. . ." Jou snapped his fingers above him. Seto, almost finished with his drowning plan, and very angry that he could not finish it with the privacy he so undoubtedly deserved, brought his face up out of the water.  
  
"What the hell do you want, blondie? Cant you see I need privacy when I'm drowning myself in a stranger's bathroom??" He gave Jou an interested look, "What are you doing here, anyway?"  
  
"This is my house."  
  
"Your house. . .?" His look went from interested to deeply concerned, "Gee, Jou. I knew you were poor, but. . ."  
  
"HEY! ITS NOT THAT BAD. WE CANT ALL HAVE STAINLESS STEEL BATHROOMS WITH NAKED WOMEN TO HANG TOWELS ON."  
  
"What are you saying?" Seto was bewildered.  
  
"I BET YOU HAVE A BED, TOO, YOU RICH BASTARD." Jou started crying. "My father's too drunk all the time to go to work, okay? All he does is.laze around and hit me.okay? So you can just shut up."  
  
"OH JOU!! IM SO SORRY!" Seto rose from the tub, naked of course, and wrapped his arms around Jou. One thing led to another, and they, of course, had passionate sex.  
  
"JEEEEEEEEESUUUUUS" Seto sprang from his bed. In his house. And for the next 3 minutes, he didn't even stop screaming long enough to breathe.  
  
The black mass appeared again. "Setoto (grunt) Seto burned so bad. Brother Seto (grunt)" It poked him on the shoulder. "buuuuurrrrnnnnnnnn"  
  
Seto slapped it, it fell over, rolled out of the room and then down the hallway. Jou stepped in casually, as if he hadn't heard Seto's screaming.  
  
"You're awake."  
  
"Am not."  
  
"Yes.yes you are. Your eyes are open. You're sitting up. You just screamed for three minutes without a single breath. You aren't asleep."  
  
"Am so. Who are you to tell me what I am? Oppressin' me." Seto looked down, "Took my clothes and everything. Just look at what the white man done."  
  
"You're awake."  
  
"FUCK YOU, CRACKA." Seto got out of bed and began to dress himself.  
  
"You forgot underwear."  
  
"Maybe that's cuz Im SLEEPIN."  
  
"By the way, Seto, how are the burns feeling?"  
  
"Oh thanks for asking, they're fine. But my head's aching."  
  
Tris-Honda appeared in the doorway. His eyes boggled at Seto, shirtless glory. He choked on his tongue and died at the beautiful sight.  
  
OH COME ON. YEAH. LIKE I WOULD DO THAT. Everyone knows that killing off a major character is just a cheap ploy for drama. Only cop-out authors use plot twists like death.  
  
What? YES, LIKE SHAKESPEARE.  
  
So-Honda appeared in the doorway. He had a bottle of cheap rum. The bottle of cheap rum had a straw. The straw had Honda's mouth on it. Honda's mouth was attached to Honda. Honda had a bottle of cheap rum. The bottle of cheap rum had a straw. The straw had Honda's mouth on it. Honda's mouth was attached to Honda's body. Honda had a bottle of cheap rum. The bottle of cheap rum had a straw. The straw had. . .  
  
I'm so sorry.  
  
So-he was drinking what? Yeah. Rum. Cheap rum. AND. . .he was doing. . .something. . .he was. . .wanting. . .wanting. . .Seto!  
  
What? Ad libbing? No!  
  
Okay. So Honda wanted Seto as he stood in the doorway drinking RUM through a STRAW.  
  
"Dude, move on."  
  
Okay. 


End file.
